......?

"Apa itu kepercayaan? Apa itu kebahagiaan? Apa itu kesedihan?"

Sepi dalam tawaku yang berderai, bertanya padaku.

"Apa itu cinta?"



Aku termenung, masih dalam tawaku yang tergelak.

"Mereka adalah penipu ulung." ujarku.

IMU

It's driving me mad. I miss you so bad :((

Sesekali Saja

Sesekali saya ingin dimanja
Tapi sungguh aneh, saya tak biasa
Sakit pun tubuh tetap ingin berusaha

Sesekali saya ingin dimanja
Sebagai teman, sebagai pacar, sebagai putra
Tapi ragu hati ketika ingin mencoba
Rasanya tak layak, toh saya masih muda

Ah mungkin saya sedang malas saja
Sebenarnya saya sudah kelewat manja

Hospitalized

Well again, it's a long time since the last post I wrote.

I just graduated from a blood exam in a hospital in Cikarang. I've made the doctor sure that I'm not having a dengue fever.

For short: I was hospitalized.

It was my first time to sleep in a hospital, as a patient. I got a paratyphoid fever. I got the fever on October 15th (Saturday), entered the hospital on Sunday, and went home on Wednesday (which is today). I was nearly sent home on Tuesday, but when the doctor saw that my thrombocyte number went down, I was advised to stay another night.

Well now, here I am at home.

Panggilan

Setelah selesai menata hati dan pikiran saat ini, kemudian beranjak ke menata masa depan, ada panggilan dalam hati kecilku yang kemudian ku tunda hingga waktu yang telah aku tentukan, namun entah kapan pastinya.

23 April 2011. Siang hari di pulau dewata dalam rangka family gathering perusahaan, di dalam bis pariwisata sekembaliku dari Danau Brantan di Bedugul, aku tercenung memandang tepi jalan di balik kaca jendela. Tiba-tiba panggilan itu datang. Hanya dalam beberapa menit pikiranku. Aku langsung bingung menghadapinya. Apakah ini sungguh-sungguh, ataukah hanya keinginan sesaat?

Pikiranku langsung mencari cara untuk menghadapi panggilan yang tak ingin kutepis, namun juga tak ingin aku telan bulat-bulat. Aku mengambil handphone ku, masuk ke situs pencari, dan mengetik beberapa kata dalam kotak isian.

Cari.

Beberapa hasil ditampilkan di layar kecil handphone ku, dan kemudian kuklik satu pilihan. Sebuah blog mahasiswi jurnalistik salah satu universitas ternama. Membaca artikelnya, aku mencoba memahami, memilah, bahkan menentukan pilihan dan langkah ke depan.

Langkah awalku adalah masa pencarian. Benarkah ini panggilan hati yang sesungguhnya? Hingga kini aku masih merasakan magnet itu, berharap hari yang ku tentukan akan segera datang, sambil sedikit cemas akan persiapanku yang belum apa-apa, baik moril maupun materil. Disitulah aku merasa yakin. Panggilan ini nyata dan tidak main-main.

Langkah selanjutnya tentunya adalah tahap persiapan. Aku memulainya dari sekarang. Hari ini. Sedikit demi sedikit lama-lama menjadi bukit, kata pepatah. Simpel saja, agar tidak memberatkan ketika saatnya tiba nanti :)

Berikutnya adalah tahap eksekusi. Tahap yang paling sulit, namun penuh excitement. Tak ada tahap peralihan, karena aku ingin 100%. Ini merupakan titik awal yang baru, yang aku kini persiapkan menuju saat itu. Yang aku nantikan, yang aku tunggu :)

Last but most important. Tahap modifikasi. Memaintain sesuatu yang sudah aku rancang dan pelajari dengan baik. Mengembangkan setiap detail di hari-hari ke depannya, baik apa yang tampak, maupun yang tak kasat.

Bismillah :)

Buktikan

ketika aku, ketika kamu
dalam satu, cinta yg lalu
saja satu, kucoba untuk
mengenalmu, membaca kamu

ouh, lamakah kita bertahan?
setiap tingkahku membuatmu
bertanya padaku

reff:
apakah kamu benar-benar sayang aku?
tentu saja ku benar sayang kamu
buktikanlah buktikan
coba buktikan padaku

hati ini, cinta ini
hanya butuh, hanya ingin dirimu, dirimu selamanya
buktikanlah buktikan
coba buktikan kepadaku

dua minggu telah berlalu, masih saja kutunggu
dirimu dari dugaanku, prasangkaan burukku
benarkah aku, salahkah aku
yang selalu meragukan cintamu

lamakah kita bertahan?
tuk setiap tingkahku membuatmu bertanya padaku

reff

aku, ku akan membuktikan
ku akan menyaksikan
dan hanyalah kepercayaan yg bisa
membuat kita bertahan selamanya, selamanya

reff

apakah kamu benar-benar
apakah kamu benar-benar
apakah kamu benar-benar
apakah kamu benar-benar sayang aku (buktikan..)

No Real Happiness

After my cloudy and rainy days before, I'm a bit scared of any happiness. Especially when I know that the happiness is temporary. It's just a random dream that I have to leave behind when I'm awaken by a slap in my face.

No happiness seems real for me. And if it's a dream, no dream seems to come true.

I just read some of my old posts. I tried to remember every situations happened at the time I made them. Some posts gave me spirit to go through these days. Those posts remind me not to hold on to any hope. Stay away from any fears. Live happily, and smile.

And I feel much better now :)

Cause I'm Movin' On...

Yeah yeah yeah hari ini aku rasa senaaaaang sekali...
Today was a full package of happiness ;)
Aku merasa lebih bebas... I've moved on :) Langkah terasa ringan, senyum pun dari hati terdalam :) Ayo rini! Jalani semuanya dengan ikhlas dan tawa :) Tak usah takut, tak usah bingung. Masa lalu, masa depan... Mereka terlalu banyak membebani. Mereka tak seharusnya memberatkan isi kepalaku. Setidaknya untuk saat ini :) Dan saat ini aku mengantuk, jadi ingin tidur :D

Just A Dream

(Uh uh uh)

I was thinking about her
Thinking bout me
Thinkin bout us (us)
What we gunna be?
Open my eyes, (Yeah)
it was only just a dream...

So I travel back (uh)
down that road (road)
Will she come back? (Uh)
No one knows
I realize (Yeah)
It was only just a dream.

I was at the top and now its like I'm in the basement
Number 1 spot, Now she find her a replacement
I swear now I can't take it
Knowing somebody's got my baby

Now you ain't around, baby I can't think
I shoulda put it down, shoulda got that ring
Cuz I can still feel it in the air
See her pretty face, run my fingers through her hair

My love of my life, My shawty, my wife
She left me, I'm tied.
Cuz I knew that it just ain't right

I was thinking about her
Thinking bout me
Thinkin bout us (us)
What we gunna be?
Open my eyes, (Yeah)
it was only just a dream...

So I travel back (Uh)
Down that road (Yeah)
Will she come back? (back)
No one knows
I realize (Yeah)
It was only just a dream.

When I be ridin' man I swear I see her face at every turn
Trying to get my usher on but I can't let it burn
And I just hope she know that she the only one I yearn for

More and more, I miss her, when will I learn?
Didn't give her all my love
I guess now I got my payback
Now i'm in the club thinking all about my baby
Hey, she was so easy to love
But wait, I guess that love wasn't enough
I'm going through it everytime that I'm alone
And now I'm wishin' wishin' she'd pick up the phone
But she made a decision that she wanted to move on
Cause I was wrong.

I was thinking about her
Thinking bout me
Thinkin bout us (us)
What we gunna be?
Open my eyes, (Yeah)
it was only just a dream...

So I travel back (Uh)
Down that road (road)
Will she come back? (back)
No one knows
I realize (Yeah)
It was only just a dream...

If you ever loved somebody put your hands up
If you ever loved somebody put your hands up
And now they're gone and you wish you could give them everything
X2

I was thinking about her
Thinking bout me
Thinkin bout us (us)
What we gunna be?
Open my eyes, (Yeah)
it was only just a dream...

So I travel back (Uh)
Down that road (road)
Will she come back? (back)
No one knows
I realize (Yeah)
It was only just a dream...
X2

Lesson Learned from HIMYM

Well actually I don't want to watch HIMYM again since it reminds me of something. But when FOX, MTV, and Channel V can't give me great shows to watch in these empty days, I end up with changing the channels and watch any random shows.

When it came to STARworld, HIMYM 4 was just about to start. I couldn't stop myself to watch, and I also thought that if I was ok enough to watch, it means I'm getting well. So I watched it.

It was about Ted and Robin solved all of their fighting with sex. They told all their friends, it's just a physical relationship. They didn't involve any feelings. Then Lily told them "When two ex-es try to be casual, someone's gonna get hurt"

But Ted and Robin insisted on dealing with no feeling. So the "problem-solving" actions continued. Then finally, Lily and Ted realized that it's Barney's heart which is hurt. So Ted decided to not continue that.

Lesson learned: When two ex-es try to be casual on doing the usual things they did before, someone's gonna get hurt. The hurt feeling can belong to one of the ex-es OR somebody else. Or both.

?

Life is a mystery. You don't know what the next thing the life brings you.

A Perfect Gateaway

Yeah, stop all the weeping Rini, it's time to raise your glass :D

I just watched a 2009 movie called A Perfect Gateaway in HBO Signature.


It was a grrrreat thriller movie, and also romantic. It's in a package! Rare, isn't it? I love it!

The story is about a couple killer in Hawaii. They kill couples who's having vacations in Hawaiian Islands. It's a bit unpredictable. But the reviews showed that this movie was just so-so. Well I don't think so. I kinda like it.

And I reaaaaally love the romantic scenes on the movie. The way the girl predicted how his boyfriend will act, and yes, he acted like that, but more surprisingly! It was sooooo romantic. And how he proposed the girl, it was so "ooooooooh"...
He's a kind of a man that most girls in the world dream about. Handsome, strong, loving, protecting, funny, smart, sporty, and... romantic of course.

"Honey, you really are, a real man."

The movie makes me dream about my dream man, and my dream honeymoon. I want to go on a hiking trail for my honeymoon, watch the sunset, and spend the night in the tent... So romantic and wild :D Then for the next day, we'll go back to the hotel, feel tired and just walk around...

Now that I'm single, I can have any imaginations about my dream man. Whoever he will be, he must be the one who make me the one :)

I Really Hope I Can Do That. Immediately.

Mencoba tuk melawan getir yang terus kukecap
Meresap ke dalam relung sukmaku
Mencoba tuk singkirkan aroma nafas tubuhmu
Mengalir mengisi laju darahku

~

I want a wind blows away all this frustrating thinking. I'm going crazy.

Full and Empty

My mind lives in an empty space. I tried to figure out, what should I do?
Now that I know what I have to do, I can't deny that I don't have the power to do it.
Seems like every step I'll take will kill me inside.
All the choices look scary to me. All the decisions don't make me feel right.

I want and I don't want to hate you. I want and I don't want to let you go. I want and I don't want to ignore you. I want and I don't want to forget you.

Why does it have to happen?

Then you said that you'll go from her. And when I asked why, you said that you don't want to see me hurt. Am I such a pity? Oh God, now I'm in the middle of two persons in love. Am I such a jerk?

I don't want you to choose me because of your terrible feeling for me. If you love her, then just go. I'll deal with this feeling. But why can't I accept it?

Then what should I do?

Oh God I'm so tired... May I ask for a hug?

The City Where It All Started and It All Finished

Nostalgic places. I see our old faces in every corner of this memorable city. I remember every moment, every dialogue, every laughter, every thinking. I'm ready to burn and bury them. Here. I won't bring them anywhere else.

Now I'm going back home. Refreshed and renewed.

Bismillah :)

Pinta Kecil

Tuhan...
Harus sesakit ini kah?
Aku ingin sembuh
Aku ingin pergi
Aku ingin lupa

Aku ingin sembuh...
Permintaanku tidak terlalu besar kan Tuhan?

To Whom It May Concern

Yes I waited for you for a year, but you wouldn't do the same for a month.
So, it's over.

No moments can return your feeling. No flashbacks can bring back your dream. No cries can touch your memory. No kisses can recall your love.

You did what you said you couldn't do, but not for me.
You've changed some of your elements, but not because of me.
Your heart has been tied, but not to mine.

Then go.
Go.

If there's a small, little love left inside your heart, for me, then the best way to love me is to forget me.
And I'm sure it's the easiest way. Because you've done that. All you need to do is to keep on forgetting me.

I'm done hurting people I know or I don't. And I really know that it's killing, it hurts so much to lose someone I love.
So I don't want anyone to experience that again. Especially if it's because of me. I'm tired of having those guilty feelings.

Second chance?
If that thing exists, never think to see me inside your box of choices. I'm not one of them. You tossed me in the trash, so I go. I'm a sailor, not a nymph anymore. Find me if you can.

And it may take some time to patch me up inside, since now you're just the best I ever had. No need to worry about me. You know I'm stronghearted, right? You may regret what you let slip away, but not me. Slipping me away is nothing to regret.

Thank you. And sorry for everything.
I love you. Don't make it any harder for me. Just be happy.

My Totally New Chapter

My mind is gone, I'm spinning around
And deep inside my tears I'll drown
I'm losing grip, what's happening?
I strayed from love, this is how I feel

This time was different
Felt like I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life

Now I'm in this condition
And I've got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you'll never see me cry

Did it happen when we first kissed?
Because it's hurting me to let it go
Maybe because we spent so much time
And I know that it's no more

I should've never let you hold me baby
Maybe why I'm sad to see us apart
I didn't give to you on purpose
Got to figure out how you stole my heart

How did I get here with you? I'll never know
I never meant to let it get so personal
And after all I tried to do, stay away from loving you
I'm broken hearted, I can't let you know
And I won't let it show, you won't see me cry

It's over now. I have to move to another chapter. Another dream. Another plan.
I'm not a nymph anymore. I'm a sailor. I will go. Away from this hurt. Together with my other plans, my other dreams. With noone.
That's how God shows me His love. In my every laugh and cry. Cause there's where His love exists.