Full and Empty

My mind lives in an empty space. I tried to figure out, what should I do?
Now that I know what I have to do, I can't deny that I don't have the power to do it.
Seems like every step I'll take will kill me inside.
All the choices look scary to me. All the decisions don't make me feel right.

I want and I don't want to hate you. I want and I don't want to let you go. I want and I don't want to ignore you. I want and I don't want to forget you.

Why does it have to happen?

Then you said that you'll go from her. And when I asked why, you said that you don't want to see me hurt. Am I such a pity? Oh God, now I'm in the middle of two persons in love. Am I such a jerk?

I don't want you to choose me because of your terrible feeling for me. If you love her, then just go. I'll deal with this feeling. But why can't I accept it?

Then what should I do?

Oh God I'm so tired... May I ask for a hug?

The City Where It All Started and It All Finished

Nostalgic places. I see our old faces in every corner of this memorable city. I remember every moment, every dialogue, every laughter, every thinking. I'm ready to burn and bury them. Here. I won't bring them anywhere else.

Now I'm going back home. Refreshed and renewed.

Bismillah :)

Pinta Kecil

Tuhan...
Harus sesakit ini kah?
Aku ingin sembuh
Aku ingin pergi
Aku ingin lupa

Aku ingin sembuh...
Permintaanku tidak terlalu besar kan Tuhan?

To Whom It May Concern

Yes I waited for you for a year, but you wouldn't do the same for a month.
So, it's over.

No moments can return your feeling. No flashbacks can bring back your dream. No cries can touch your memory. No kisses can recall your love.

You did what you said you couldn't do, but not for me.
You've changed some of your elements, but not because of me.
Your heart has been tied, but not to mine.

Then go.
Go.

If there's a small, little love left inside your heart, for me, then the best way to love me is to forget me.
And I'm sure it's the easiest way. Because you've done that. All you need to do is to keep on forgetting me.

I'm done hurting people I know or I don't. And I really know that it's killing, it hurts so much to lose someone I love.
So I don't want anyone to experience that again. Especially if it's because of me. I'm tired of having those guilty feelings.

Second chance?
If that thing exists, never think to see me inside your box of choices. I'm not one of them. You tossed me in the trash, so I go. I'm a sailor, not a nymph anymore. Find me if you can.

And it may take some time to patch me up inside, since now you're just the best I ever had. No need to worry about me. You know I'm stronghearted, right? You may regret what you let slip away, but not me. Slipping me away is nothing to regret.

Thank you. And sorry for everything.
I love you. Don't make it any harder for me. Just be happy.

My Totally New Chapter

My mind is gone, I'm spinning around
And deep inside my tears I'll drown
I'm losing grip, what's happening?
I strayed from love, this is how I feel

This time was different
Felt like I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life

Now I'm in this condition
And I've got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you'll never see me cry

Did it happen when we first kissed?
Because it's hurting me to let it go
Maybe because we spent so much time
And I know that it's no more

I should've never let you hold me baby
Maybe why I'm sad to see us apart
I didn't give to you on purpose
Got to figure out how you stole my heart

How did I get here with you? I'll never know
I never meant to let it get so personal
And after all I tried to do, stay away from loving you
I'm broken hearted, I can't let you know
And I won't let it show, you won't see me cry

It's over now. I have to move to another chapter. Another dream. Another plan.
I'm not a nymph anymore. I'm a sailor. I will go. Away from this hurt. Together with my other plans, my other dreams. With noone.
That's how God shows me His love. In my every laugh and cry. Cause there's where His love exists.

Sarang Hae Yo

I love you now
with my embrace
If you leave me alone
you know that I’m going to suffer

I love you, let us start again
although it’s hard
I only want you
Is our love a written fate?

Let me take care of those tears that’s suffering you,
The tears that suffering you I’ll return it all back to you now
I want you to smile
Just like me now

I love you, let us try again
Although you are tiring me
but I only want you
Our love is God’s fate

Smile

I've already known what's the problem and the reason why. So I shouldn't be that suspicious. I should be fine. I should calm myself down and think clearly. I should wait in patience. I shouldn't worry. I shouldn't let my tears drop.

I should smile.

No Use

See?
There is no use of waiting.

Only If I Could

I should have said it now, only if I could
Have a chat and laugh out loud, only if I could
Make a call and kill the distance, only if I could
Celebrate the joyful day, only if I could
I know what's happening now and I don't have to think about it more and more. Cause I know I couldn't handle it. And I should not wait, if I knew I couldn't. But I don't know why. I keep on waiting.

My Worst Night. Or Will There Be Some More?

"He doesn't need me,". I kept on saying to myself. In the dark room, when I lied on my bed. "He doesn't need me,".
I whispered the words while my tears were falling down. I turned my body under the blanket. I tried to sleep and I closed my eyes. But my lip couldn't stop saying and my body kept on shivering. "He doesn't need me,". I heard myself talking, again.
I told the cold air hundreds of words. I pretended there was him. Talked to me right in my ear. I answered everything "he" said to me. But when the words came out of his mouth, I could just shut my mouth and scream.
"I don't need you,". It haunted me in my sleep. I woke up, hoping the sun had risen and I had to get up. But no. Again, and again. It was still night. Sun was still sleeping.
I could finally sleep and I was awaken by the morning rush. And all I could get was his message.
"Go away".

..

I'm failed

I can't do anything to make you feel grateful
I can't do anything to make you live your life
I can't do anything to make you happy

I'm failed

I can't be your spirit, I can't bring joy, I can't give anything
Even my love can't do that for you

I'm failed
and I feel useless

Hello Engineer!

It's been a long time since my last post. And there are many changes during these last two hectic months. I've done my seminar, sidang, and I have graduated from college :D

The next day after my graduation day, I came to Taiwan to do my exchange, and now I'm in Taiwan and I'll be here until January 2011.

Thank God for everything I got until today :)

A Little Me

After I finally be with you, I realize

I realize that I'm small, I'm nothing

I'm nothing than you

That feeling made me push my limit and I was surprised of what I've got

I've got so much. From your sharp words, from your sarcastic talkings, from your directed discussions.

Even from your inferiority and your superiority.

I've got so much yet you're still faraway high.



Oh I swear God you're the kind that I wanna be with forever

But I still can't follow your amazing intellection

And still the you-don't-deserve-me thinking haunts me :'(



I don't want to embarrass you for having such a blunt silly girl like me

I'll push farther honey, I'll try harder to jump off my checkpoint :)

Social networkings are in paused mode.

Social networkings are in paused mode.

Hours

When I do my works
I wish a day has 36 hours
So the deadline approaches me slowly

But when I remember that you're faraway from me
I wish a day has 12 hours
So our meeting time will come fast

Thank God He gave us 24 hours
It's just perfect and fair

I miss u by the way :)

What's Next?

It's my final project issue again which is tickling my days.

It's something that I rarely touch these days, but makes me feel worries time by time. Then I asked mon cher about this. What should I do to make myself forced to finish it?

He said, think about "What's next?" Then you'll feel your final project is only a small obstruction from your next step.

Whoa, such a great answer. Well, now I think...

There are two classifications of what I'll do after finishing my final project.

Formal
I want to
- hold an excellent seminar and a successful sidang
- put straight the administration things of PEB
- go through job tests then get a job immediately
- get married of course :">

Informal
I want to
- finish my exchange well
- increase my photography, tennis, and guitar skill
- shape my body again :D

Go finish your final project fast, Rin!!!

^^

Well, I'm fully recharged here in Bekasi and Cikarang. I've fulfilled my hunger of good food, my family time, my driving adventure, my bank account :P and the most important: my quality moments with my special one :)

I think driving is my new hobby now. I love to drive anywhere, especially to new places. Maybe one day when I have my own car, I'll spend much money on gasoline :D

But after all of the fun things here, I have another business haunting me: my final project. Vacation means stagnancy and stagnancy leads to longer time to finish it.

Then some things happened and blocked my way to Bandung. The city of final projecting. But not tonight. I've reserved Cipaganti to go to Bandung and tomorrow, I'll start my new hype of doing the post-SSC test and writing the report.

Wish everything will go as my wish.
Amen ^^

The Spirit Hype

Yeah, I'm kinda having lots of spirit to do many things these days

So I express it in my new blog template :)

It's fresher, and hope my life will be too

Amen ^^

New World

I've decided to enter a new world. A world where hope no longer takes a grip on every step. Yes I have all the hope, but to faith and sincerity I hold on. God talks about sincerity and forbearence, and I'm trying to build them in my heart.

Many cries, many hurts I've been through. But I know there will be the time when my smile is my heart's smile.

I won't again force you, or anyone, to go with me, because it's my own decision. If you want to come, then you'll come without me asking you to. I don't want to be anyone's pressure, anyone's enemy, and anyone's responsibility. I deal with my heart, myself. I quit being weak.

To faith and sincerity I hold on.
To God I surrender.

Innallaha ma'ash shaabiriin. Surely God is with those who are patient.

?

Just wanna ask an unimportant question:

Is it me?